require
seventeen is too young to write a eulogy

the day before you
left
you asked if I would still love you if you
drove off the side of the qe2
into the green telephone pole,
the one with no wires at the top,
and
I told you jokes through the phone
about my dad
and the way he always matches his
belt to his shoes
his shoelaces to his tie.
I didn’t laugh when you responded
with a joke about
our old private school ties and 
tying yours to the shelves in your closet
we used to climb
and your mom would yell at us
then give us ice cream sandwiches.

remember when we were scared of    heights?
remember when we were scared of the                      fall?
remember when we’d bike the cliff and                              inch
too
close to the                  edge?

do you remember the day we stopped
trembling while hanging
our toes
off the top branch of the
cherry tree in your backyard,
you with your bright red socks
asking if I would still love you if you leapt
over
the edge.

do you believe
in heaven?
your mother doesn’t.
she told me so
with tears in her eyes while she
watched the yellow
bellied birds
eat the flowers from
their spot-on top of
you.
I’ve never hugged my knees so tight,
I wondered if my arms thought
they were                    you
and I had to tell them
you were                     gone
buried in the
soil.
they told me about the time we
were fourteen years old
dancing in your parents’ basement to your brothers
bowie records
your brother
only twenty-two years old
carrying his little sisters
body
in a wooden box.

I didn’t cry.
I didn’t cry once.
not until I was back in your                            room
where I cried so much
I didn’t think I’d ever be able to
stop.

do you believe in heaven?
or did you believe
there would be less pain
than what I felt in my chest
when you asked with tear
falling down your chin
if I would still love you
if you became
nothing

 do you believe in heaven?
or did you hurt so badly
you chose
nothing
over
me?

 do you believe in heaven?
can you      hear me
screaming?
wailing?

yes
yes, I would still love you
yes, I still do

or am I losing my voice
over               nothing?